Seth Godin recently published a post on empathy – and it starts with the observation that Empathy doesn’t involve feeling sorry for someone. It is our honest answer to the question, “why did they do what they did?” He goes on to share that if we really honest with ourselves, the answer to that question is rarely because they are stupid.
Simple advice, but in the world of business people doing the right things immediately impact our businesses, and often more importantly – when we get to go home at night or how much we can actually relax when we are on vacation. Developing empathy is hard in these situations because we start in a frustrated place where the only questions on our mind are What were you thinking? or Why do I always have to fix this for you?. These questions create fear and cause people to hide, and empathy does not reside in that place.
The thing is, empathy is a cornerstone for developing the talent in others, because when we do the work to see the things through their eyes helps to drive the conversation – What can we do together to close the performance gap that we both see?. Asking and listening ultimately leads to the barriers others see that are getting in the way of the work. Do you hear empathy in that statement?
Here are three things any leader can do to build empathy:
1. Read – One thing I recommend for women and men is a book series call For Men Only/For Women Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. It was designed for couples to read about the perspective of the opposite sex, and I guarantee it will drive conversations and ah ha moments for both men and women. Any book that gives you a perspective into a culture or person will create opportunities to develop empathy. Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg was a book that did that for me this summer.
2. Do their job – In his book Rework, Jason Fried (founder of BaseCamp/37Signals) encourages entrepreneurs to do key jobs for 3 months before hiring people. His reason is that it will give you an opportunity to know the work and challenges intimately so when you hire you find the right person and you know how to support them. Do you hear empathy in that statement?
3. Ask them – In my one-on-one templatesI share questions to help leaders start and end their time by listening. Great conversations start with a question. These questions are designed to hear someone else’s perspective on truth. Remember, in performance situations the truth has multiple perspectives.
- Recent successes and failures (to celebrate)?
- What is energizing you right now?
- What is frustrating you right now?
- What is one thing that needs to be addressed by me? This organization?
- How have I made your job harder in the last 30 days?
If we make the assumption that people want to tell the truth and we create a safe place to do that, empathy will happen when we really listen to the answer and learn how/when to act to support them. Some things (many things) we cannot fix, but we can listen.
Listen . . . Lead. Repeat often.